Marriage pt.5    Love Your Wife   	Col.3:19      10-7-2001 

TT Col.3:19

As a consequence of the fall, the roles of men and women in marriage were corrupted.  And to a large degree, that is the reason we have the problems in our marriages that we have.

So the solution is to restore those roles to the way they were in Gn.2 

Since the curse, women tend to try to dominate their husbands through manipulation, and end up dominating their wives through harshness.

So the solution is for wives to be respectful to their husbands (demonstrated through submission, through the way they talk to them, etc.).

The solution for husbands is to love their wives and to not be harsh with them.

Every time we see instruction to husbands, it’s always the same.  Love your wives.

5 men told me last week was the best sermon they have heard me preach.  But men, that sermon was not for you.  Your focus should be on today’s sermon.

You can forget about ever solving your marital problems as long as you are focused on what you wife is supposed to be doing, and your wife is focused on what you are supposed to be doing.

You might have expected something else.  You might have expected “Husbands, lead your wives.”  Or since the command to wives is always to submit, maybe you would expect it to say, “Wives submit, husbands rule.”  “Wives follow orders, husbands give orders.”

In our study of Gn.2 we found that the man’s role is to lead, provide for & protect, and yet if you want to sum up all that Scripture says about how to reverse the curse on marriage, it’s not “husbands lead” but “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

So if a man’s responsibility toward his wife is to lead, provide and protect, why do we not see those things emphasized nearly as much as love?  

Because if a man genuinely loves a woman, he will tend to do those things.  But, as always, the Lord doesn’t want your attention focused on procedures.  He wants your attention focused on the attitude.

For the women, the most essential thing is not that they do what their husbands say.  The key is the attitude of respect.

In the same way, for men, the essential key is the attitude of love.

You could carry out your duties to lead & provide without love, and you would be falling way short.

You have probably studied the term agape and found that love is as much an act of the will as it is an emotion.  

Agape love is self-sacrificial service.  Servanthood.  

As the highest authority in the home, it is your role to be the greatest servant.  Jesus couldn't have made that more clear.

If someone walked into your home, would it be immediately obvious that you are the servant?

Whenever you talk about self-sacrificial service, people always want to qualify that and say, “But you don’t have to become a doormat.”  And that has become universally accepted among Christians.

Why don’t we want to be doormats?  To be a doormat is the most humiliating thing, because a doormat is what we use in our culture to wipe the mud and dirt from people’s feet.

What was the first century equivalent of a doormat?  A footwasher.  

In their day, they probably talked about servanthood in some kind of positive light, but then said, “But you don’t want to become a footwasher.”

But when Jesus was teaching about leadership, what did He become?  A human doormat.

Jesus’ standard was always so far beyond what we naturally think to be reasonable limits.

You know you are to serve your wife.  You know you are to give yourself up for her.  But how far do you take that?  What are the reasonable limits to that?

Almost every time He opened His mouth, Jesus gave a standard that was specifically designed to shatter our ideas about reasonable limits.

In His day, Israel was occupied by its most hated enemy.  

Imagine if today the United States were conquered and then occupied by the Talaban govt. – or the Nazis of WW2.  

One of the rules the Romans had was if any soldier asked you to carry his load, you had to drop whatever you were doing, and carry it a mile.

So imagine you are on your way to work, or some important meeting, to church… and an occupying soldier of the Talaban regime forces you to carry his gear on foot for a mile.  Then you have to walk back, so now you are an hour late for your meeting.

The people chaffed under this, and thought it unreasonable.  They wanted to know Jesus’ opinion – Jesus, the Great Deliverer from the oppressors.  

Jesus said, “If a soldier makes you carry his pack a mile, carry it.  Then at the end of that mile, turn to the soldier and say, ‘I would like to carry it another mile.’”  

I recently heard someone preaching on this, and I was thinking to myself, “I almost wish I lived back then.  What a great thing to do!  What an impact this would have on a Roman soldier!  I wish I could be in a situation like that, so I could have a chance to put that into practice.”  

(We tend to think the people back then didn’t have important things to do and places to go – just lots free time to walk around talking to soldiers.  But if you think that wouldn’t bother you, just think of how upset you get when you get a slow checker at Wal Mart and end up having to stand in line an extra 15 minutes.)

Anyway, I was sitting there thinking about how willing I would be back then to do this.

Then suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks – the application to my life.

One of my pet peeves used to be when we would get in bed at night, and Tracy would begin searching her mind to think of things that might be wrong.  

This doesn’t happen so much any more, but it used to be she would never think about any of this before getting in bed, but something about laying down in bed made her search her mind to think of things that might be wrong.

So I would be laying there comfortably, and suddenly, 
“Is the basement light turned off?  
Is the garage door closed?  Did you turn off the sprinkler?  Is the church phone ringer turned off?  
Is the heat turned down?  
Is the dome light on in the car?  
Is the trash taken out to the curb?”

We finally developed a checklist to go over before either one of us get in bed, so that doesn’t happen any more.  

But it used to drive me crazy, and to my shame I have to admit there were times when I just stayed in bed and said, “I don’t care if the garage door stays open all night, let’s just go to sleep” (knowing full well she wouldn’t be able to sleep, and would end up getting up and checking.)

So the Holy Spirit, Who convicts of sin, takes this truth I’m listening to in this sermon that I’m supposedly so willing to obey, and applies it to my life.

It’s as if the Lord were saying to me, “Picture this: you are laying in bed – almost asleep.  It’s important that I get a good night’s sleep so I can concentrate the next day.

Tracy says, “tomorrow morning the garbage man comes.”  

So I get out of bed, take all the trashes in the house out to the garbage can, and then wheel it out to the curb.

I have a choice.  I can do that with a bad attitude, and be angry.  Or I can close the bedroom door so I don’t bother Tracy, and happily serve my wife in that way.

So suppose I do that latter.  I maintain a good attitude.  I realize it is a privilege to be able to get up and be like Christ in the way I serve my wife.

Then I come back into the bedroom and give her a gentle kiss on the forehead, so she can go to sleep without any fear that I may be upset with her.

So I do all that, I begin to walk around toward my side of the bed, and there is the Lord, Who says, “Good job.  You have completed mile one.”

What is mile 2?
Jesus requires second mile type love.  What is the second mile in that situation?

And His command to go the second mile was given to all believers.  Second-mile loving is just the baseline requirement for everyone.  

But those in authority are to go even farther.

So, men, what’s the second mile?  Do you have tally marks on the side of your bed (“I got up the last two nights.  Now it’s your turn.”)?
You are never going to succeed in out-serving her if you are into taking turns.  

So love requires sacrifice.  And you understand that.  But we should also remember that even though we emphasize the fact that love is more than emotion, we shouldn’t’ forget that it does involve emotion.

God could have just always said, “Husbands serve your wives” if that were all that mattered.  

But we are to do more than serve them.  We are to really love them.

Delight in your Wife
The man is to take delight in the woman.  

I think it’s significant that in Gn.2 we see Adam taking great delight in Eve, yet there is not a word about Eve talking delight in Adam.  Obviously, it’s good for both partners to delight in one another, but the emphasis is on that man delighting in the woman.

And that fits with the way God made us.  Generally speaking, a man tends to enjoy delighting in a woman he loves, and a woman tend to enjoy being delighted in by a man she loves.

Men enjoy the beauty of women, and women enjoy being beautiful.  

Some feminists have misunderstood that.  They think of it as demeaning.  They think, “I’m not going to put on lipstick and curl my hair just so I can please some man.  Why should I have to slavishly primp myself just to give some man pleasure?”

But the point of a woman being delighted in by a man is not just so the man can experience the pleasure of seeing beauty.  And it’s not primarily so that the woman can experience the pleasure of being delighted in.

The purpose is to glorify God by mirroring the relationship between Christ and the Church, and in the relationship between Almighty God and His people.

He takes great delight in us.  We seek to take delight in Him also, of course.  But the picture we get is Him taking pleasure in us, and us taking pleasure primarily in being pleasing to Him.

In the marriage relationship, the woman takes her cues from the Church’s attitude toward Christ, and the man takes his cues from Christ’s attitude toward the Church.

So men, treasure your wives.

TT Pr.5
Your Responsibility, not hers
It’s your responsibility to take delight in her.  Some men don’t delight in their wives, and they think it’s their wives’ fault.  They think it’s her responsibility to make herself so delightful that I can’t help but to delight in her.  

But that’s the opposite of what the Bible says.  In the marriage relationship, men are to take their cues from Christ.  Now did Christ wait around until the Church was irresistible beautiful to Him, and then begin to pursue Her?  

Ro.5:8,10
8 While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 
10  when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him 

He poured out the greatest, most profuse expression of His love for us right at the moment when we were the least lovely.  He pursued us at our ugliest.  He pursued us while we were rejecting Him.  He took the initiative.  

It’s the man’s responsibility to delight himself in his wife.
Pr.5:18-19
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 A loving doe, a graceful deer--may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

Those verses appear in the midst of a command.  The point is, “Don’t seek pleasure in other women.  Find it in your own wife.”

It doesn’t say, “Wives, be satisfying and captivating to your husbands.”  (1 Co.7 says something like that, so wives should make some effort), but regardless of what your wife does, it is incumbent upon you to be captivated by her.  

The word captivated means to wander or stumble around drunk.

She shouldn’t have to earn it

It’s your responsibility to figure out a way to become intoxicated by your wife’s love.  God commands it, and He commands it knowing full well that your wife isn’t perfect.  

Just like your wife is required to respect and honor you even though in many ways you are not deserving of that respect, so you are to delight in your wife even though in many areas she may not be all that delightful.

She is to respect you not because you have earned it, but just because of your position.  

You may have told your kids that – you respect the position, the office.  In the same way, you delight in your wife because of her position.

You might think delighting in something is something that is out of your control.  Either you like olives or you don’t like olives.  You can’t help it.

So you might be thinking, “I’m not all that attracted to my wife right now.  I can’t help that.”

But when the Bible commands something, the implication is that it’s possible for you to do it.  God supplies what He commands.

When a man comes to me with marriage problems, and says, “I just don’t love her anymore.”  My response is, “Do you have any other sins you would like to confess?”  

That’s like saying, “I just don’t feed my kids anymore.”   

If the guy intends that at a confession of sin, that’s something we can work on.  But usually it’s said with the attitude that it’s just bad luck.  The love just floated away somehow.  Too bad.

So how do you take delight in your wife?

Let’s go back to Gn. and see what we can find.

1. Restore Intimacy
TT Gn.2:23

Before the fall, the only emotional response we see between Adam and Eve is Adam’s joy in seeing her.  What was the cause of that joy?  

I don’t know if you have ever daydreamed about what that moment was like.  But when Adam first saw Eve, we know he was delighted, but what was it about her that was most delightful to him?

We know what he was most impressed with by what he said.

You might have expected his to say, “Wow, look at how gorgeous she is!”  or “What an amazing figure she has!” or “What a beautiful voice she has!”  

I’m sure he enjoyed all that, but from his first exclamation when he first sees her, we learn what it was that was most thrilling to him: “At last!  This is bone of my bone…”  

God is showing us that the ideal in marriage is to experience joy, and to derive that joy from the oneness of the relationship – that’s what Adam was so excited about.

How do you delight in your wife?  The first step is to achieve intimacy.

The more you achieve oneness and intimacy, the more ability you will have to take delight in your wife.

There are things about her that God designed to bring you great joy, but you won’t be able to take joy in those things unless you have intimacy.

When you work to achieve closer and closer intimacy, you are placing yourself in a position to delight in your wife.

There are some of you, who, if you went backpacking this afternoon, would hate it.  But if you spent several months getting in shape, if you bought some good equipment, if you hung around people who could help you appreciate what is enjoyable about backpacking – then you would be able to truly enjoy it.

It will take some effort for you to place yourself in a position to truly enjoy your wife.

Shallow things can be instantly appreciated, but the joy from them is also shallow and fleeting.  But things that are truly beautiful require effort to appreciate, but offer a much deeper reward.

 It will require effort, and it may cost you the enjoyment of some other things.

If you spend your time ogling the images of the women in movies, TV and magazines, you are not going to be able to be attracted to your wife.  If that’s the case for you, you are in direct disobedience to the command in Pr.6 to be intoxicated by your own wife, and not by anyone else.

Allowing yourself to be attracted to someone you live with every day requires that you make a concerted effort to think about her in ways that will be conducive to that.  Think about her in the most positive light.

If you allow laziness to invade this area of your marriage, you will become bored with her, and that is sin.
1. Build Intimacy 
2. Focus on her excellencies
The way you learn to enjoy things that you don’t now enjoy is by learning about what is good about those things, and then focusing your attention on those things.

Remember we found the key to delighting in God is to focus your attention on His excellencies?  It’s the same with your wife.

People who can’t stand classical music can study and learn about the excellencies of classical music, then spend time listening to it, and focusing their attention on those excellencies, and, over time, they will begin to enjoy it.

Become a student of your wife.  (And, BTW, that’s a life-long process, because she is constantly changing.  You can’t just say, “I figured her out years ago.”  She’s not the same woman she was years ago.)

Be a connoisseur of your wife.  Study her excellencies.  Work on making a list of 50 good things about your wife.  Then make that list the focus of your thoughts a large percentage of the time.

(I bet she wouldn’t mind you sharing that list to her)

All the things your wife wants from you – the romance, the gentleness, the kindness, the thoughtfulness… doing all that is next to impossible when you really don’t care much for her.  

But do you remember when you first fell in love?  You didn’t have to discipline yourself to do those things.  You couldn’t help but to do them.

When you delight in your wife, the rest of your responsibility will come naturally.  

What do you think your wife wants more – a bunch of flowers and chocolates and cards and dates and special events… or a husband who is crazy about her – who is obviously crazy about her?  

Which do you think would make your wife happier – to be able to say, “My husband thinks of 5 creative activities per month” or “My husband is intoxicated by my love.  He takes more delight in me than in any other earthly thing.”
 
1. Build Intimacy 
2. Focus on her excellencies
3. Make her happy.  Take delight in by delighting in her delight

The reason singleness is so highly praised in 1 Co.7 is because when you are married, so much of your energy is gobbled up by one single pursuit: 
1Co 7:32-35
33 a married man is concerned about …how he can please his wife- 
34 a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world-how she can please her husband. 

That gives insight into what is the basic function of marriage – delight in your spouse’s delight.  Try to please your spouse, and derive your pleasure in life from your her pleasure.

It’s not wrong to seek enjoyment or happiness, the question is are you going to seek private happiness at her expense, or are you going to seek happiness in your wife’s happiness?

You can derive enjoyment from people at their expense, or you can derive enjoyment from people by bringing about their happiness.

And that’s to your advantage anyway – since you are required to take delight in her.  It’s much easier to take delight in a happy person.

She is much more delightful when she is smiling, isn’t she?

Do special things for her.  Figure out ways to make her happy.

Women like special things.  They like it when you are creative.  They like pleasant surprises.  They like it if you plan the whole date.  They like romantic gestures.

The problem is, it’s impossible for any human being to be creative all the time.  Sure, you did some special things when you were dating, but those things are expensive and time consuming, and after 8 or 10 of them, it’s gets pretty tough to keep coming up with something new.

Maybe you did it while you were dating, but keeping that up for 20 years is another story – especially when you are trying to earn a living, carry out ministries at church, keep up with chores around the house, etc.

So, you face a problem.  You have the goal of making your wife happy, and there are some significant obstacles standing in the way of that goal.

And if you are like most men, you say, “Oh no – an obstacle.  I guess I’ll have to drop that goal.”  Then you never give it another thought.

You are not romantic, but you are justified in not being romantic – after all you thought about it for several minutes, realized there was an obstacle, and so your are justified in giving up on it, right?

Is that how you approach other areas of your life?

When your boss gives you a difficult project, do you just drop it as soon as you hit the first significant obstacle?  

If you are working on your taxes, and can’t figure something out right away, do you just take it all and dump it in the trash?
If you are golfing and suddenly face a tough shot over water, do you just pack up your clubs and drive home?

No.  In other areas of life you face significant difficulties all the time, and when that happens, you use your problem solving skills and figure out a way to succeed.  

Is your marriage not as important as your job or your taxes?

Figure out a way to do it.  Get some help.  But a copy of “101 Ways to Romance Your Wife.”
(Examples from that book:
•	Put a note in each of 7 balloons listing some goody or activity you know she would like, and let her pop one each day and get the surprise.  
•	When she’s talking, turn toward her and look her full in the face.
•	Ask about her dreams: “If time and money were no object, what would you enjoy doing?”
•	Give her a foot massage
•	Tape a note on the bathroom scale that says, “Just right”
•	Arrange for a sleigh ride
•	 Next time you are in an empty elevator together, give her a big kiss on the lips just before the door opens.

If you don’t have enough money to make your mortgage payment, somehow or another you have got to figure out a way to make it.

If your cars aren’t running, one way or another you need to figure a way to get some transportation.

And if your wife isn’t happy, you need to apply your abilities, and somehow, some way keep on trying things until you succeed in making life wonderful for her. 
 
Gentleness 
V.19 goes on to say do not be harsh with her.  

This especially goes for the way you talk.  Be gentle.  Be polite.
I think a huge percentage of the problems in most Christian marriages would be instantly solved if the husband and the wife would just be polite to each other.  If you would just talk to your spouse they way you talk to guests in your home, you wouldn’t believe the difference it would make.

1 Co.13:5 Love is not rude.

There may be a time when it’s necessary for you to say something to your wife that is hard for her to hear.  

There may be some times when it’s absolutely necessary to say something to your wife that could hurt her.  

But there is never, ever any time when it is necessary to be unkind in the way you speak.

It may sound simplistic, but you could go a long way to repairing the problems in your marriage by saying “please” and “thank you” and “you’re welcome.”  

When a guest comes into your home, you offer them a seat, ask if they would like something to drink, you tidy up for them before they arrive, you pay attention to them.. try doing that with your wife.

Nobody has to teach you have to treat your spouse.  You don’t have to go to a weekend seminar to learn that.  Just pretend it’s a guest visiting your home.

The more familiar we become with one another, the less polite we tend to be, but that shouldn’t be.

7 Years of the married cold

First year: “Oh sweetheart!  You’ve got a bad sniffle, and there’s no telling about these things with all the strep going around.  I’m putting you in the hospital for a general checkup and a good rest.  I know the food’s lousy, but I’ll be bringing your food in from the Olive Garden.  I already have it all arraigned with the head nurse.

Second year:  “Listen darling I don’t like the sound of that cough.  I’m taking you to the doctor, and then you go to bed and rest.  I’ll take care of supper tonight.”

Third year: “Maybe you better lie down honey.  Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy.  I’ll bring you something.  Where do you keep the soup and the can opener?

Fourth year:  "Now look, dear, be sensible. After as soon as you finish the dishes & vacuuming & laundry and get the kids in bed, you need to get some rest.  I think you should go to bed early." 

Fifth year: "Why don't you take some aspirin?   And maybe you should run to the store and pick up some Kleenexes – you’re using them all up."

Sixth year:  “For pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia?."

7th year--" If you’d just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening.  I can’t even hear the TV.”

Familiarity breeds contempt, and it’s normal to become less and less polite the more you get to know someone.  But the home should be a place of peace and kindness.  

We should teach our kids to be polite to each other, and we should be polite to each other and to our kids.

Peter also makes the point about the importance especially for the man to be gentle in 1Pe 3:7  Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. 

We need to be considerate and especially gentle, because God has made her more emotionally fragile.  Some men are irritated by that, but it should be cause not for irritation but for honor.

Here’s why: God made her to be your helper.  Part of that includes her companionship, and the kind of comfort, encouragement and strengthening that only a woman can give.  In order for her to do that for you, she has to be designed by God in such a way that 
(1)	enables her to be especially encouraging toward you emotionally, but also
(2)	leaves her much, much more vulnerable emotionally.   

So is she more delicate and fragile emotionally?  Is she more easily hurt?  Are her tears more frequent?  Yes.  But she is like that for your sake!  

So if she has to go through life with that kind of vulnerability, and if she has to go through life suffering far more emotional pain than you suffer as a result of being more sensitive, and all that is for your benefit – the least you could do would be to be considerate and gentle with her!

Another reason she is vulnerable is simply because she is required by God to be submissive to you.  That gives you considerable power to mess up her life.  You have power to mess it up financially, socially, or in a hundred other ways.  

Worst of all you could fail to lead her toward Christ-likeness, and jeopardize her eternal reward!

That’s how vulnerable she is, and she is that vulnerable because of God’s command – all for your benefit.  Doesn’t that make you want to do anything to protect her – even to the point of laying down your life?

If you were at a dangerous construction site, and the big boss forced a fellow-worker to give up his helmet so you could wear it and be protected, and the fellow worker willingly does it – don’t you think the very least you could do is refrain from smacking him in the head all day long?

If you take a nail and scratch a man’s arm, and make an identical scratch on a woman’s arm, it woman will experience more pain than the man, because she has more nerve endings in her skin.  God gave her the advantage of having a superior sense of touch, but the drawback is greater sensitivity to pain.

God also gave her the advantage of greater emotional sensitivity.  The superior emotional sensitivity is a great asset to the “team.”  It’s a great asset for carrying out the man’s overall task.  But the very fact that she has that asset makes her more vulnerable and in need of protection.

Just like the offense of a football team expends 75% of it’s energy doing nothing but trying to protect the most vulnerable and most important member – the quarterback.  

He is so important, because only he can advance the ball down field.  But that very asset – the fact that he is focused on throwing the ball down field (or handing off), makes him vulnerable and especially in need of protection. 

It’s the same way in a marriage partnership.  The assets of the family offered by the woman are the very things that make her vulnerable.  

You benefit from those assets.  And if you fail to protect her, you will find that the whole team will tend to lose.

Let me give you some advice – on Judgment Day, don’t be standing too close to the guy who inflicts pain on his wife that is not absolutely necessary. 

“O, she’s tough.  She can handle it.”  
Perhaps.  But the question isn’t whether or not she can handle it.  The question is whether or not she ought to have to handle it.  

What kind of reasoning is that anyway?  She’s tough?  If the Golden gloves champ sees you walking down the street and notices that you look like you can take a punch, does that mean he should pop you one?

You are her protector!  God made her vulnerable, and then placed her under your care.  It would be bad enough for you to just leave her out in the cold and fail to protect her from danger and harm.  But how much worse for you to inflict harm!  

Imagine for a moment what it’s like for her.  To have her protector in this life be the one inflicting pain on her.
 
What about her weaknesses?
You say, “Yeah, but she just has these things about her that drive me crazy – I just can’t stand the way she… and so I have to continually focus attention on those weaknesses, so that she will fix them.

What weakness does your wife have that prevents you from delighting in her?  

What’s wrong with her?  Is there something lacking in the way she looks?  Is there something lacking in her character?  Is there something wrong with her personality?  

Every human being has weak points – so what are the weak points your wife has?  

Whatever they are, after learning what we have learned about a man’s role, would you dare spend any more time than is absolutely necessary thinking about those weaknesses?  

When you asked her to marry you, you were asking a lot of her.  You were asking her to completely open up her life to you – to let you in to all there is – warts and all.  

In return, you were basically telling her, “Don’t worry.  If you marry me – if you open yourself up to me, remove the fig leaves and let me in to your life, I promise you can trust me.”

So she trusted you.  And she took a huge risk.  She made herself incredibly vulnerable to you. She handed over to you the keys – placed in your hands the ability to hurt her more deeply than any human being in the world.  

She trusted you not to focus on her weaknesses and inadequacies.   She trusted you to overlook and cover over her faults.  

She took a huge risk letting another human being into her inner garden (to borrow from SOS) – she took a huge risk letting another human being into her most private world, with the understanding that you were that trustworthy.

So are you now going to focus your thoughts on her weaknesses?  Are you going to violate that trust, and humiliate her by staring at that which is most embarrassing to her?  

Are you so cruel that you would announce to her your displeasure in her inadequacies? 

Are you so heartless that even though you are the only human being the entire world that she would allow into her garden, that once in there you would mock it and make fun of it and criticize it and rip it to shreds?  

Is that how Christ loved the Church?  

Is there any place for helping one another correct weaknesses?  Sure.  

Tracy and I have a planning retreat twice a year.  We spend a night by ourselves, and we address all the strengths and weaknesses in our marriage in a very structured way, and make specific plans on fixing them.  Six months later we check on how we are doing.  

At that time I ask Tracy, “What are my weak areas?”  and she asks me the same question.

The time to bring those things up is not in the middle of a fight.  The time to bring those things up is not right at the moment when you are irritated and agitated.  The time to bring those things up is not every other day.  None of that will help fix the problem – all it will do is hurt your spouse – nothing else.

And if you doubt that, ask yourself, how constructive has that approach been in the past?  Has nagging your wife caused her to improve?  

If you both agree to set aside a time specifically devoted to addressing weaknesses twice a year or once a month, or whatever you decide on, that can be productive.  But in your day to day living that should be out of bounds.

Husbands – love your wives, and don’t be harsh with them.
Benediction: 1 Thes.3:12,13  May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. 13 May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.