12-12-2004
 
Authority and Submission pt.4   
 
“How to Love Your Wife: Keys to Intimacy”
 Ephesians 5:31-33    
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Summary: 
Christ glorifies Himself by presenting to Himself a glorified Church. So it’s in husbands’ best interests to love their wives, because of the oneness in marriage (intimacy by design, by intention, by sex & communication). So wives fear and husbands love.

We are studying a section of Ephesians where Paul is unfolding all that he had in mind when he said, in 5:21, that we are to be filled by the Holy Spirit…submitting to one another.
            One of the key components of the Spirit-filled life is submission to authority – particularly wives to husbands, children to parents and slaves to masters. Paul addresses each of those three groups and gives specific instructions on how they are to submit. And after each one he says some things to the one in authority about how he is to treat the ones under him.
            In vv.22-24 we saw the instruction to wives. They are to submit to the authority of their husbands in the same way that they would obey God Himself, because of the husband’s position in the family as head. The position of being the head involves both authority and leadership. The wife is to respect and willingly submit to his authority, and eagerly follow whichever aspects of his leadership she can follow in a good conscience. 
            Then, in vv.25 through the end of the chapter, Paul makes his comments to husbands. 
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."   32 This is a profound mystery-for I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. 
 
Last week my goal last week was really just to show you the structure of this passage. It all hinges on that little phrase in v.29 in the same way. In the same way that Christ sanctified the Church, so husbands should tenderly nurture and care for and cherish their wives – just like they do with their own bodies, because in doing so, they will accomplish the same thing – their wives will be made more holy, more pure and more beautiful. And so if you follow Christ’s example of making the ultimate self-sacrifice for your wife, even to the point of giving up your life for her (Making all your decisions based on her best interest rather than your immediate preferences), you are doing yourself a huge favor, because he who loves his wife loves himself. 
And that ends up being our motivation. We are to love our wives out of our own self-interest. Just as Jesus’ motive was that He wanted an ultra-glorious wife, and so His own self-interest drove Him to the ultimate self sacrifice for His Bride. In the same way, we are to allow our own self-interest to drive us to the ultimate self-sacrifice for our wives.
            And if you doubt that it was self-interest that drove Christ to self-sacrifice, look again at v.27. Everything He did, He did in order to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 
The presentation of the Church to Christ
There is coming a great, awesome event that is incredibly important to Christ. He is very much looking forward to it with great anticipation. That event doesn’t get as much press as, say, the rapture or the Battle of Armageddon, but it’s (arguably) as important if not more important than either one of those.
            The event I’m talking about is Jesus’ wedding day – specifically the great presentation of the Church to Christ. It’s mentioned in 2 Cor.4, Col.1 and Rev.19,21.[1] The presentation of the Church to Christ – that great unveiling of the finished product - What will that be like?  What sort of energy and creativity do you think God the Father will put into that day – the day the Son’s Bride is unveiled? 
It will be the climactic culmination of all God has been doing in human history. It will be the finished product. God has more creativity than Hollywood, more resources than Las Vegas, more expertise than Madison Avenue, and more love than anything we can imagine. So when He puts together an ultra-glorious presentation ceremony for His Son, what will that be like? All we know is the Bible likens it to a bride being presented to her husband at the wedding. A woman is never more beautiful than on her wedding day, and that’s usually the happiest day so far in the bridegroom’s life. And that’s the image God uses to show us the way in which He is going to present us to Christ on that day.
            If you read the Gospel of John you will find that this was the consuming interest of Christ in His earthly life.  He spoke of it often. [2] That’s why the last night of His earthly life, in the longest recorded prayer of Jesus, He prays for that group of people: 
John 17:6-26  "I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me 
9 I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. 10 All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. 
22 I have given them the glory that you gave me…
why?   
24 "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 
            Why did Jesus sacrifice Himself for His Bride? His Bride is all part of His own glorification. And part of the Bride’s glorification of Jesus involves the Bride herself becoming glorious. The more glorious she is at the wedding, the more glory He receives. And so He makes a major point of making her ultra-glorious. 
That’s why Jesus did what He did. It was for the joy set before Him. He was looking forward to that presentation. So you see His self-less, self-sacrificial love was working in perfect harmony with His own, ultimate self-interests.
            And the point of this passage, men, is that’s how it is for you too, in your marriage. If you are selfish, and you seek to fulfill your own immediate preferences and desires as a priority above your wife’s needs, you are not acting in your own self-interests. You are cutting your own throat. 
            But if you love your wife, giving up your very life for her, you are doing yourself a huge favor, because she is part of you. When the right side of your body flourishes, it benefits the left side – because it’s all part of the same body. When your wife flourishes it benefits you, because you are part of her and she is part of you. Marriage is not just a partnership. It’s a union. It’s a uniting of two souls in a more profound way than any other kind of union. That’s why Paul goes so far out of his way to establish the oneness of the married couple and the oneness of Christ and the Church. Loving your wife is in your own self-interests because you and she are one flesh in a very profound way.[3]
 
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            So, we are to follow Christ’s example of sanctifying and purifying and beautifying our wives. And you accomplish that through tender nurture and provision and gentle care for her needs.
            And the motivation? It’s in your own self interests. Love your wife and you love yourself. Lay down your life for her, and you end up with a woman who is that much more beautiful and glorious.
            But the passage doesn’t end there. Paul wants to take some time to carefully unfold the concept of oneness in marriage, and so he goes into some detail about intimacy. Intimacy and oneness are not just important so you can have a more fulfilling marriage or so that you can enjoy your marriage more. It will accomplish that, but there are far bigger reasons for us to concern ourselves with intimacy with our spouse.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."   32 This is a profound mystery-for I am talking about Christ and the church. 
            Paul quotes Gn.2:23 and then calls it a profound mystery. So first let’s take a look at the meaning of Gn.2:23, and then we’ll look into why it’s a profound mystery. 
 
Intimacy 
 
31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."  
            At first glance you might think that Paul could have made his point just fine if he would have just quoted the last part: the two will become one flesh. But there is a reason why he quoted the whole portion that he quoted. There are 3 important parts to that verse – and each one of them teaches us something about intimacy in marriage.
1. Intimate by design
For this reason
            That’s part of the quote from Gn.2, and it refers back to the account of Eve being created from Adam’s rib as a remedy for his being alone and needing a suitable helper. (Gen 2:20-25)[4] The reason for the oneness of marriage is the design of creation. Instead of forming Eve out of the dirt like He did with Adam, God took her out of his own flesh – right out of the inside of his body. And that’s the reason a man leaves his father and mother when he gets married. That’s the reason the marriage relationship is the closest human relationship. It’s not because of social customs. It’s not because of evolutionary psychological factors. The oneness of a man and wife exists because of God’s design in creation. So those words “for this reason” are crucial. When it comes to intimacy and closeness and oneness between you and your wife, the very purposes of God in creation are at stake.
Anytime you see the word “mystery” in Paul’s writings, you know you are dealing with something of cosmic importance. The mysteries always center around the Church, and they have to do with God’s ultimate purposes for the culmination and fulfillment of the whole creation. And in v.32 you’ll see that the one flesh relationship of a husband and wife are at the core of one of the great mysteries. So the phrase “For this reason” highlights the importance of the verse – we are one by design of the Creator Himself.
            Next comes the part about leaving father and mother to be united to his wife.
2. The primacy of marriage 
31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife 
            The reason Paul quotes that part is to point out the primacy of the marriage relationship. Marriage supersedes even blood relations. You are more closely related to your spouse than you are to your mother or father or children or siblings. In fact, the relationship is so close the man and wife are one flesh. The instant God first created marriage, immediately the narrator jumps in and makes this incredible statement about oneness. (When it says for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife and the two will become one flesh, that is not Adam speaking anymore. There was no such thing as father and mother then).  It was the narrator’s comment.  Comments from the narrator are always important keys as to the purpose of the passage. A major purpose of Gn.2 is to make a strong statement about the primacy of the marriage relationship above all other close relationships.
            It’s interesting that Moses doesn’t say, “This is why a woman leaves her father and mother…” because in Moses’ day, when a couple were married they lived with the man’s parents, and were joined to that clan. So it was really the woman who did the leaving in a geographical sense. But it says the man will leave because the point isn’t so much about geographical leaving as much as a shift in priorities.  
            Your wife is more important than your mom…or your children. In the Spring of 1988, I had never met Tracy.  I wasn’t aware that she existed. Less than 30 months later, when we were married, she was a higher priority in my life than my siblings or even my parents! It seems strange that your closest relative is your spouse.  We think of close relatives in terms of how much of the same “blood” we share.  A first cousin is closer than a second cousin, a brother is closer than an uncle, etc. because they are closer to the same bloodline. But the closest of all family members is your spouse – who has a completely different bloodline. Why is that?  How did that ever come to be? My children are close relatives to me, because they are my own flesh and blood.  They are made up of half my genes and half Tracy's. But think of how closely Eve was related to Adam – closer than a son or daughter, because it wasn’t 50% of her genetic material that came from him, but 100%. And what this passage is teaching is that when you get married, God makes you as closely related to your spouse as Adam was to Eve – as closely related as Adam was to his own rib. And this is an especially dramatic statement in the cultural context of ancient Israel, where the commitment to one’s parents was a much greater priority than it is in our culture. God intended right from the beginning that the marriage relationship should be the highest priority, and there must be a decisive break with the rest of your family when you get married.   If we depart from that model at all, we just invite trouble.  
Intimacy through Intention
This reminds us of the human side of oneness in marriage. There is a divine side – God makes you one flesh spiritually on your wedding day. But there is also a human side. We have to make an effort. Some people can’t seem to cut loose from the apron strings.  
And some parents make it hard.  They refuse to let go, and they interfere by trying to continue to parent their child even after marriage.  That seems to be one of the hardest things for parents, yet it’s crucial.  If you want to have a close relationship with your adult kids throughout your life, then step back when they get married. When parents do that, there is a wonderful opportunity, once that new marriage is established, to build deep friendships with your married, adult children. But you have to step back for a time. You probably all know couples whose parents have become a thorn in their side.  Their parents want so desperately to be close with them and to maintain the same influence, that they become a burden and a problem, and cause the couple to move farther and farther away. I think new couples, if they have parents who do not have the wisdom to step aside for a while, should do whatever it takes to leave their father and mother and be united to one another – even if it means making a move, not returning all the phone calls, etc.  
            The word translated leave in Gn.2:24 is a very strong word. It means “to forsake” or “abandon.” It would be wrong to use that word as an excuse not to take proper care of your elderly parents, but it does show how decisive the break needs to be. God wants it to be very clear where your priorities are. And it’s directed at the man, because very often it’s the man who has a tough time making it clear that his highest priority is his wife, not his mother.
No Rivals
And I think we need to apply this principle beyond just leaving mom and dad. You don’t just leave them for her. You leave everything for her. She is your highest priority. You are one flesh with your wife. You are not one flesh with your job, your ministry, your hobby or your best friend. You’re not even one flesh with your kids. There are many men and women who are closer to their kids than they are with their spouse. That’s wrong. There is not to be any rival for the one flesh relationship of marriage.
Jesus’ Example 
What about Jesus? Is He an example for us in this area? Did Jesus leave His father and mother for His Bride? Most people say no. They say that’s the point where this parallel of following Christ’s example breaks down. But I don’t agree.
Matt 12:46-50 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."  48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?"  49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."  
            Jesus let go of His earthly parents and made it clear that His priority was His new Bride – the Church. Even in this aspect Christ remains our example. God the Father was His first priority, but His Bride was a higher priority than His earthly parents. So it should be with us.
            Take a moment and think about it men – what is it in your life that is the greatest threat to become a rival for that position of primacy in your life? Some friend or relative? Your television? Your rest time? 
Your money? 
            There are two serious threats we need to deal with:
1. Whatever it is that we see as the greatest threat to becoming a rival for the position of primacy above our wives.
2. Whatever your wife sees as the greatest threat.
            Usually those are two different things. You ask your wife, “What do you see as the closest rival that I tend to place over you as a priority?” And the answer she gives always sounds ridiculous. We hear what she identifies as a rival for your commitment and we want to say, “Oh please! That’s barely a priority in my life at all!” We need to be careful not to just dismiss those things. If it seems to her like a threat, then it’s a threat – even if you don’t think of that thing as a high priority. And the fact that that thing bothers her doesn’t, by itself, mean that you necessarily need to get rid of it. But it does mean that you need to find a way to make her feel treasured as your highest earthly priority.[5]
            Then there’s the third part of the verse: and the two will become one flesh."  
3. One Flesh
We see the importance of intimacy in the fist part of the verse – it’s part of God intention for creation. Then we see the priority of the marriage relationship above every other earthly thing. Now we see the degree of the intimacy in this phrase “one flesh.” 
And there are two realms in which we can apply that. The narrow application has to do with the sexual union.
Intimacy through sex
God did not design that just for procreation. A major component of the sexual union is intimacy and closeness and oneness. One of the euphemisms Scripture uses for sex is the word “to know.” 
Gen 4:1 Adam knew his wife Eve, and she became pregnant 
God designed sexual intercourse to enhance relational intimacy. The physical relationship cannot bear the entire load of relational intimacy. If you are going to be close to each other, there are some other crucial elements that have to be in place. However, physical relations are an important component. That’s how God designed us. A husband and wife are able to achieve deeper levels of intimacy and closeness and oneness when they are regularly having sex. And that level of intimacy is so important to God that He actually commanded us to do it.
            Christian couples are required by God to regularly have sex. 
1 Cor 7:3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
            Somehow the Church in our culture has fallen into this trend of separation for married couples. Two people can’t seem to get along, but we have strong taboos against any kind of divorce – even when there are biblical grounds – and so Christian couples will separate.  Separation has become the Christian alternative to divorce. That is not biblical. Separation is worse than divorce. There are some contexts in which Scripture allows for divorce, but never is there a context when Scripture allows for a Christian couple to separate but remain married. If you have some kind of arraignment in your marriage where you just aren’t getting along, and so you have a kind of unspoken agreement that you won’t have sexual relations, that is sin for a Christian couple. It’s also sin to use sex as a bargaining tool to manipulate your spouse.
You say, “How often should we do it?” The principle in 1 Co.7 is that you need to do it regularly enough to protect your spouse from temptation. We are all different, so you need to really know your spouse. You should do everything you can to provide as much romance and physical intimacy and fulfillment as he or she needs to be protected as much as possible from temptation.
            So in the narrow application, one flesh points to the sexual union. But there is also a broader application.
Intimacy through knowledge
If God used the term “know” to refer to the sexual act because He wanted to call attention to the fact that sex is a profoundly important part of knowing your spouse, it follows that knowledge of your spouse is a crucial part of intimacy. And knowledge of one another comes through self-revelation. In other words – communication.
            Even the world understands the importance of communication in marriage. 
 
Important, but not sufficient
 
Every marriage workshop or book – Christian or secular – will have a major emphasis on communication, because it’s so obvious that intimacy is completely dependent upon communication. The problem in the world is they think communication, by itself, is all that’s needed. They seem to think if you learn enough communication techniques, you will have a great marriage. That couldn’t be farther from the truth.
            What makes a good marriage is Christ-like, selfless love and humility. And without that, all communication will do is make matters worse. If a man and woman become the world’s two most skilled communicators, so they reveal themselves to each other with perfect accuracy, all that will do is make each other completely aware of how sinful the other one is. But if there is no humility and love, all that knowledge will do is make you repulsed by the other person. And you find yourself using your superior communication skills to hurt him or her more deeply.
            So it’s not communication that is the foundation for marriage. It is Christ-like love. However, once the love is in place, communication does become crucial. Communication itself doesn’t cause intimacy, but there is no intimacy without good communication.
            Men and women both tend to be lazy when it comes to communication.  And men justify their laziness by saying, “I talk all day long. When I get home I want to rest.” And women justify their laziness by saying, “If you really loved me you would just know how I feel, and I wouldn’t have to tell you. If I just tell you, that will ruin it.” “Go ahead and ruin it – I just want to know what’s bothering you.” And so she thinks a while and then finally says, “OK, so maybe I don’t know exactly what it is that’s bothering me either – but I guarantee you it’s something, and whatever it is I’m sick and tired of it, and I want you to cut it out!”
            Women often have a tough time putting their feelings into words. Men can easily put their feelings into words, but often not into whole sentences or paragraphs. And so often, in both cases there is no forgiveness or willingness to look beyond the inadequacies of poor communication to what really lies in the heart. To really get to the bottom of what is going on in your wife’s heart may take a lot of work. You may have to spend a lot of time letting her process her thoughts (which most women do out loud). And instead of jumping on every little statement and trying to provide a solution to every little problem she mentions, just keep listening and keep probing until you find out what’s really in her heart.
            For example, there might be some issue that your wife brings up fairly often. Sometimes that can be a sign that there is a deeper underlying issue. If all you ever do is deal with whatever is there on the surface, you may never find out what’s really going on.[6]
            So often we become impatient with our spouse’s inability to communicate perfectly, and so we refuse to do the hard work of probing and thinking and talking until we get to the heart of the issue. 
            I really wrestled with what all to say about communication.  We could probably make a 10-part sermon series just on that topic. But how about I just say this: try to find out what is in your spouse’s heart. And try to expose as clearly as possible to your spouse what is in your heart. And always let love be the driving factor. That sounds obvious, but it’s amazing how often we fail at that. People come in for counseling: “She said this, this and this.” “But that’s not what I meant!” “I don’t care what you meant. That is what you said.” It’s like they’re arguing about the wording in a contract in a court of law or something. Couples can get so angry with each other that they won’t even extend the courtesy of asking questions like, “What do you mean by that?” 
Instead they just assume the worst so they can justify their belief that they are being abused. Next time you’re tempted to be lazy in the area of communication, take a look at your Bible. Don’t open it – just leave it closed. Set it there on the table and notice how thick it is. My copy is about 2000 pages, which would normally be several volumes, but they use super-thin paper to get it all in one binding. Next time you’re thinking “Oh, I don’t know if I want to say this, and I don’t know if I’m willing to disclose that…” and you’re hesitant to reveal your heart, remind yourself of how much of Himself God condescended to reveal – 2000 pages densely packed with self-revelation. He did all that, and He didn’t owe us anything. He just did it out of love. If He is willing to do that, I think we should be willing to put a little effort into sharing our hearts with our own flesh and blood.
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So all that gives you a sense of the importance of oneness in marriage. It’s part of God’s design in the Creation. That means the closer the husband is to the wife, the more God’s purposes in creation are accomplished. And so God has seen to it, and we are to see to it, that we achieve the highest possible level of intimacy and oneness. We are one flesh. And since you are that close with your wife, it is in your best interests to love her. If you have a busted rib, it in your interests to take it easy for a while. If you are malnourished, it’s in your interests to put food in your stomach. If you’re dead tired, it’s in your interests to find a way to get a good night’s sleep. And if your own flesh and bone, your wife, has some need, it’s in your interests to meet it. Think about that during times when you find it hard to love her.[7]
            So that’s the significance of the quote from Gn.2. Now let’s talk about the mystery.
The Mystery
32 This is a profound mystery-for[8] I am talking about Christ and the church.
 
The word mystery means “something that was hidden in the past, which could never have been figured out by human wisdom, but that God has now revealed.” The relevance of the marriage relationship to Christ and the Church was not revealed in Genesis. Paul says, “It was a mystery. Genesis is only talking about human marriage. But I’m talking here about Christ and the Church.”[9]
The mystery that is now revealed is this: No longer is the man to base his love for his wife strictly on the creation model. Now the basis is Christ and the Church, because the whole reason for the intimacy and oneness of marriage is to illustrate the intimacy and oneness between Christ and the Church. Follow His example of sanctifying and purifying and beautifying your wife. And you accomplish that through tender nurture and provision and gentle care for her needs. And the motivation? It’s in your own self interests. Love your wife and you love yourself. Lay down your life for her, and you end up with a woman who is that much more beautiful and glorious.
            Now, in v.33, Paul sums up all that he’s said to both the husband and the wife.
33 However[10], each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. 
            It’s interesting that when Paul summarizes his point he doesn’t do it in the way we would have expected. When you and I summarize Eph.5 we say, “That chapter says husbands are to love their wives like Christ loved the Church, and wives are to submit to their husbands.
But the most accurate summary is 
•	Husbands love your wives like you love yourself (if you do that you will love her like Christ loved the Church)
•	Instead of saying, “Wives submit” he says “Wives, respect” (literally “fear”)
The most important key for wives is not just doing what your husband says. You can do that without really being truly submissive. The key for wives is to develop a deep respect for your husband.
            Ladies, in the same way that you long for love and affection and romance, your husband longs for respect and honor – especially from you. You complain in your mind (or maybe out loud) that your husband doesn’t bring you flowers, or he’s not romantic, or he doesn’t love you properly. Forget about all that. Worrying about that is his job. Your concern is to find a way to honor and respect him – particularly in your words. 1 Peter 3 is the chapter on how women can make themselves physically attractive.  And that chapter uses Sarah as the model, because she was so stunning in her beauty. And Peter says her beauty secret was a gentle, quiet, submissive spirit. He says that is so beautiful it’s even beautiful to the Lord. And the illustration he gives from Sarah’s life was the fact that she called her husband “lord.”  That is an incredibly respectful term. That would be like you calling your husband “sir.”  Don’t worry about when was the last time he brought you flowers. Just focus on the words coming out of your mouth. Do they make him feel honored and looked up to by you? If not, you are in disobedience to God’s Word, and you should expect that God is going to bless your marriage. And you’re really not in a position to demand that your husband be more obedient if you’re not even willing to. 
The term used here is an extremely strong term – the word translated “respect” is literally the word “fear.” That’s not to say you’re afraid he’s going to hurt you. It’s talking about the most extreme kind of reverence. Before the sun goes down today take the time to ask your husband, “What could I do to be more respectful to you?”
            And men, find a way to learn how to love your wife more deeply. If you’re thinking, “I’ll love her more once she changes,” ask yourself if that’s how Christ loved the Church - or if that’s how you love yourself. Do you wait until your body is attractive before you take care of it? If you get a bad injury do you say to yourself, “Once you lose 30 lbs I’ll take you to the emergency room”? Your love for yourself is unconditional. That’s how we are to love our wives. If you love your wife, you are loving yourself. If you fail to love her, you are hating yourself and hurting yourself. 
You’ve heard the saying, “If mamma aint happy aint nobody happy.”  The converse is true. You’ll never be happier that when your wife is happy - and not just happy, but happy because of you - that’s what will really inject joy into your life.
            Remember how good it made you feel when you were dating, and you succeeded in making her happy? There are men whose lives are miserable, and their lives are miserable because they refuse to do what it takes to make their wives happy.
            You wouldn’t believe how incredibly happy some of the wives were last Sunday when their husbands just took a couple minutes and said, “I’ve failed as a spiritual leader. Please forgive me. How can I improve?” Why live in misery any longer when you could find such joy in finding joy in her joy?
Chrysostom:  
     "Hast thou seen the measure of obedience?  Hear also the measure of love. Wouldst thou that thy wife shouldst obey thee as the Church doth Christ? Have care thyself for her as Christ for the Church. And if it be needful that thou shouldst give thy life for her, or be cut to pieces a thousand times, or endure anything whatever, refuse it not.... He brought the Church to his feet by his great care, not by threats nor fear nor any such thing; so do thou conduct thyself towards thy wife." 
Benediction: 1 Peter 1:13  Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.
 
Review Questions:
1.What is the significance of the phrase “for this reason”?
2. What is the significance of leaving father and mother?
 
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[1] 2 Cor.4:14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 
Col.1:21-23 Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. 22 But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation-- 23 if you continue in your faith
Rev 19:6-9  Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting: 
"Hallelujah!  For our Lord God Almighty reigns. 
7 Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! 
For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. 8 Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear." 
 (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.) 9 Then the angel said to me, "Write: 'Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!'" And he added, "These are the true words of God." 
 
Rev 21:1-14  Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." 
5 He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." 
6 He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7 He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son. 8 But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars-their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death." 
9 One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues came and said to me, "Come, I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb." 10 And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. 11 It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. 12 It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel. 13 There were three gates on the east, three on the north, three on the south and three on the west. 14 The wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.
[2] Scripture speaks of the Church as being a gift from the Father to the Son. When a rich man deeply loves someone, and he wants to express the full magnitude of his love in a single gift, You know he’s going to spare no expense. When God the Father wanted to express the infinite magnitude of His love for the Son, with literally infinite resources available to Him (Think of it – The Father could give the Son anything He could think of, and He can think of every possible thing) Not only that, He had all of eternity past to think about it, it seems like only the best of all conceivable gifts would do, right? Because why would the Father give the Son a gift that wasn’t as good as some other possible gift?
                        So what did the Father give the Son? He gave Him His own special people – a people who don’t just obey Him, but they love Him with all their being. You know someone really likes a gift if he is always talking about it.  That’s the way Jesus is with the Elect. That’s why in Jn.6 He refers to the elect, He doesn’t call them the elect, or “all those who believe,” or Christians, or all those who are saved, He called them all those the Father has given me. The gift of the elect was so precious to Jesus. And it was precious because of the fact that it was a gift from the Father.
John 6:37-38 All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. 38 For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. 39 And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me 
This gift was Jesus’ consuming interest. Listen to the love in His voice in Jn.10 for this part of the gift from His Father:– and listen for the implicit gratitude He has toward the Father for this gift: John 10:27-29 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. 29 My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all
[3] Not only that, but another part of that example we need to pay attention to is the fact that it is likely that there is some sense in which men will someday present their wives to the Lord. Scripture says that on Judgment Day, spiritual leaders will make a presentation to God. You will present those who were under your care to God.
2 Co.11:2   I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.
Col 1:28 And we proclaim Him, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, that we may present every man complete in Christ
Elders in the church will have to give an account to God for the flock under their care (Heb.13:17). So there is a good chance that husbands will be giving an account for their leadership in the home, and will someday present their wives to Christ. That’s another reason why you’ll be doing yourself a favor by nurturing her toward godliness.
[4] for Adam no suitable helper was found (among the animals). 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 
[5] A lot of couples are trapped in a downward spiral of intimacy-killing coldness toward each other, because one partner gets frustrated with the other one, because that other partner is doing something that inhibits intimacy. And so you get the attitude, “Fine – if my spouse isn’t going to make an effort, neither am I.” And once you get to that point, it doesn’t matter what your spouse does. He or she could completely change, and become everything you’ve been praying for, and you’ll find that it doesn’t mean anything to you. No matter what your spouse does to disappoint you, don’t ever let your emotions toward your spouse harden.
[6] You might say, “Honey, you’re always asking me to take out the trash, and you always seem a little tense when you do it, you don’t ask me to help with laundry or with dishes or with dusting – just trash. But it seems kind of upsetting to you. I’m happy to take out the trash each time you ask, but could it be that there is something else that’s bugging you? What all goes through you mind when you ask me to take out the trash?”
                        And if you keep probing you may discover that her real frustration is that you don’t seem to have an awareness of certain tasks around the house. And it’s not so much that she doesn’t want to take out the trash. It just bothers her that you seem to be oblivious to the needs around the house. But even that may not be enough. If you take the time to discuss it further, you may discover that she looks at different household tasks in different ways. She may be fine with you being oblivious about the laundry, but not about the trash. It’s fine if you’re oblivious about the dusting, but she really thinks you should help keep the living room picked up.
[7] (If you want more help on communication and how to love your wife, I recommend the book “The Complete Husband.” In fact, that would be a good book even for women to read, because most of it is just about how to love with selfless love.)
[8] This is the Greek word de, which is normally translated “but.” In this context it should be translated “for” because it is the explanatory use of the word. This passage is cited as such by Saur and BAG - p.171 #2. 
[9] The word “I” is emphatic in the Greek
[10] This word is not a strong contrast. Here is means something like, “at any rate…”