Chapter Thirteen: Sexual Sin 

Sexual behavior reveals what is in a person’s heart, and for that reason Scripture speaks about it often. In Colossians, Paul equates sexual sin with covetousness and idolatry:
Colossians 3:5,6 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these the wrath of God is coming.
Married or single, your behavior in this aspect of your life waves a flag that signals the allegiance of your heart.
The material in chapters 4-6 is crucial to understanding how to counsel a person who struggles with sexual sin. Begin with the material in those chapters as well as the material in chapter 12 (escaping enslaving sin). Beyond that, some very helpful passages of Scripture for dealing with sexual sin are Proverbs 5-7 and 1 Corinthians 6.
Homosexuality
Great care must be taken when using the word, “homosexual” because in the Bible it means one thing but in our culture it means something very different. Biblical references to homosexuality focus on behavior. But most people in our culture use this term to refer to what they call a sexual orientation and what the Bible calls temptation. According to our culture, if you are tempted to commit homosexual acts, you are a homosexual—regardless of how you behave. Biblically speaking a person is not homosexual unless he or she actually engages in homosexual behavior. This is important because when we say, “Homosexuality is a sin,” what the world hears is that it is a sin to even be tempted. Without question, homosexual behavior (which includes indulging sexual thoughts) is sin (Ro.1:26-27, 1 Cor.6:9, Lv.18:22). It is not a sin, however to have an “orientation” (that is – it is not a sin to be tempted). Jesus Himself was tempted, and yet was without sin (Heb.4:15).
Most Christians have no idea which people in their church struggle with strong temptations toward homosexuality. This is no surprise. If you struggled with that temptation would you tell anyone? Most Christians who struggle with this particular sin (and often other kinds of sexual sin) carry on the war in lonely isolation. Sadly, it is not uncommon to hear people in churches making jokes and derogatory remarks about homosexuals. Sexual sin is one of the most difficult sins to overcome, and requires more outside help from others than most sins; so those who need support the most are the least likely to have it. Make it your goal to do your part in reversing this problem. A person fighting against sexual sin – including homosexual sin – is to be commended, not looked down upon. The great problem in the Church is the people who are not fighting against the sin in their lives. If a person is repentant, our role is to come alongside him and help him gain victory. 
Some people, from the time they first begin to experience sexual attraction, for no reason they are able to discern, find themselves drawn to people of the same sex. They do not want to feel that way, and they do everything they can to shift their attraction to the opposite sex in order to be normal. They beg God to take the temptation away from them, but instead it becomes stronger and stronger. What are people like that supposed to do? What about a man, for example, who begins to develop a friendship with another man but then a sexual attraction develops. Should he cut off the friendship with no explanation?
An inside look at the struggle
The following is a letter I received from a woman in our church who wanted to confess her struggle:

I really need to ask some questions, but I have been avoiding these particular ones for a lot of reasons. But I feel very alone in my struggle, desperate actually, and I guess I hardly have anything to lose by asking. To be honest, life right now seems almost too unbearable, and I feel guilty for my lack of strength. Even though I am constantly trying to reorient myself to an eternal perspective, comfort is still so often elusive. What kind of witness is that?
I’ve struggled for a long time with being gay. It seems so unlike the “average” sin or struggle. Just about any type of sin I can think of—greed, gossip, self-centeredness, discontent … all of those are things I hate and want to be rid of. Even when I’m tempted to indulge in them I hate that they are a part of me in any way.
But this, being gay, I cannot understand why it is wrong. I believe the Bible is clear that it is, so I have committed to rejecting the lifestyle, but it so often makes me sad.
You say the feelings are not wrong but just the actions. So can I be in love with someone of the same sex and be pure? Is sex the only thing restricted? What about any level of affection? Is hugging a friend okay but not someone I’m attracted to? How do I draw the line?
In college I was shocked to hear a Christian tell me that there was “nothing wrong with being gay.” I questioned it, but you can’t believe how happy I felt at the prospect of it possibly being okay. It was like an impossible dream come true. So I let myself be open to a relationship, which eventually did come. I would have given anything for this person, including my own life.
And then I started going to Church and realized that the pro-Christian gay arguments really did seem to be a bit of a stretch (which I had a sense of all along but still hoped), and eventually saw that I had to choose between this relationship or faith in God.
I also realized that since our time here on earth is so short in comparison with eternity, how could I choose now over then? If it really was grieving the Holy Spirit, how could I continue to walk this road away from Him? So I made my choice and that’s what led to my conversion.
This past year has been so hard, trying to keep a friendship while also ending the relationship the way it was. I have been trying to hold on and let go at the same time without knowing quite what the boundaries should be. Meanwhile, she was faced with the same decision and chose against God. Given how much I love her this grieves me in a way I cannot even express, and not only do I grieve for her soul, but for the fact that we have become so different from each other.
She doesn’t understand practically anything that I’m passionate about. Almost all meaningful topics of conversation are off limits.
I think I can imagine the pain of a divorce … if I could have married her I would have (I hope this is not too unsettling to your stomach).
Now it feels like the tearing apart of my own limbs … in fact, I think that would hurt less. Today what had me down is that she said she is going to date again. Now that she is moving on it should be easy to let go. But I’m feeling the pain of separation all over again. I knew the reality, but today it became even clearer. I can feel the blade that cuts us apart all the more.
I don’t understand why it has to be this way! I have decided to obey God regardless of whether I understand, but I wish I could see some reason for it. At least all other sin looks like sin.
I feel like a terrible witness, especially if my sorrow over the whole matter is seen. People who knew me before I was saved think my reasoning is crazy. I’m shooting myself in the foot, and besides, who would want to serve a God that’s so demanding and narrow and painful? Is it any wonder I don’t see any fruit from witnessing?
And Christians would understand my reasoning and applaud my turning away from sin, but it is surely a strange and sinister thing to struggle with in the first place, and what does my sadness say about the forgiveness I’ve received? Ungrateful! How can I hold on to something so evil with such longing? I feel isolated because I have so many secrets.
I guess I’m paying the price for my sin … I know I deserve it. My path led me into deep and very dark sorrow (though mostly after repentance). When will the light come? I feel like I might not last. Can you maybe pray for me in the next couple of days? I feel so low I wonder if I can bear it.

I include this letter so you will understand that not all homosexuals are the people marching in the gay pride parades. If there is anything but compassion and love in your heart toward the woman who wrote this letter, you have serious work to do in your heart to become a competent counselor. Once a person has repented there should be no stigma of any kind—even if the struggle continues—no matter what the sin.
Part of the problem stems from the fact that some people teach homosexuality is the worst sin there is—in a class below all other sins. This theory is based on the idea that homosexuality appears at the bottom of the downward spiral described in Romans 1. 
First, it is true that homosexuality is highlighted in that chapter, but nothing in the chapter indicates that homosexuality is the most evil of all sins. More likely it is included because homosexuality is such a clear example of a sin against natural revelation, which is the focus of Romans 1.
Secondly, those who say it is at the bottom of the downward spiral need to read this chapter more closely. Once sinful man gave himself over to worshiping the creation rather than the Creator …
Romans 1:26-27 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
Is that the end of the process? No.
Romans 1:28-31 Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.
Is there a level of depravity that appears lower in the downward spiral than homosexuality? Yes, there is, and it is characterized by greed, envy, pride, disobedience to parents, and gossip. There’s no stigma attached to people who have repented of pride or gossip but are still tempted by it. In fact, if they face temptation but resist it, we admire them. It should be the same for those who struggle with any sin. 
Homosexuality is unusual in that only a very small percentage of the population is even tempted by it. If you struggle with prejudice against homosexuals, keep in mind how often you fall to whatever sin you do happen to struggle with. If the enemy went after you in the area of homosexuality, you would have just as much trouble fighting that as you do with whatever besetting sins do exist in your life.

What causes homosexual attraction?
The same sinful heart that produces sins such as gossip and pride produces the sin of homosexual behavior (or homosexual fantasies). But what about the attraction? What makes a person open to this particular temptation? 
As with everything else, the world wants to blame it all on the brain. As of yet, however, no neurological cause has been discovered. Nor has any sociological cause emerged. There are millions of people who lacked a role model of the same sex, or had a negative relationship with the same-sex parent, or who were sexually abused as a child; and it did not cause any homosexual urges at all.
Is it possible that some people are born with a tendency toward homosexuality? Perhaps. We know that the sex drive is something people are born with. And we also know there are such things as birth defects. Some people are born with physical deformities; some are born with mental deficiencies. It seems that practically any part of a person’s makeup—including the sex drive—could possibly be defective from birth. It could be the way they were born, or it could be a result of something that happened to them. There could be emotional factors, environmental factors, physical factors, or spiritual factors. There are many possible causes of susceptibility to various sins; but there is only one cause of the decision to engage in the actual behavior: the will. 
The good news is, you do not have to know what caused the susceptibility in order to help the person. God’s grace is powerful enough to overcome any weakness, no matter how or why it came to be.
The Way Out
What can we do to help a person who wants out of homosexuality? The answer is the same as for any person who wants out of sexual sin. Most people are tempted with some kind of sexual perversion. For some people it is homosexuality. For others it is pornography. For some it is a desire to engage in sexual activity or fantasy while single. For others it is a desire to engage in sexual activity or fantasy with someone other than his or her spouse. A woman can be tempted to be unresponsive sexually to her husband. A man can be tempted to use his wife as a tool for his own pleasure without concern for her pleasure. Whenever Satan sees a powerful, God-given desire intended for good, he makes every attempt to pervert it for evil and lead people into sin.
For targeted, day-by-day help in overcoming homosexual temptation urge the counselee to go through the “Door of Hope” online Bible study.